Monday, April 12, 2010

Secrets and Lies

OK, so I realize this is a bit of a cliche in the IF world, but I have to say that coordinating an IVF cycle is a lot of work.

A lot of work as in, I'm having trouble getting my real job done (the one that actually pays me) because I'm having to spend half my time (more than half?) trying to coordinate the last minute details of this cycle.  Sheesh.

Everytime I turn around it seems like there's something else that needs to be done.  This past week has been a whirlwind of covert phone calls with the nurse in my office courtyard, emails back and forth with my clinic's financial coordinator, faxing documents, digging out old test results, and last minute trips to the lab, my local doctor, the pharmacy and the notary.

And we haven't even started with the early morning monitoring visits yet.

Not to mention, my parents are coming to town this weekend, which means the entire house needs to be scoured from top to bottom (lest my poor mother realize what a horrible housekeeper she truly raised) and everything that has anything to do with IVF/infertility, banished to the basement or some other appropriate hiding place.

Yes, it's true, I haven't told my parents about our foray into the land of infertility.  This frustrates my husband to no end, who just can't understand why I would possibly care if anyone knows, be it my parents, his parents or the nice pregnant lady from down the street who asks if we have kids.

He probably would understand it a lot better if I could actually explain it myself.

Why am I more comfortable seeking support from anonymous posters in the blogosphere than from my own mother who knows and loves me and even spent time of her own stuck in the (secondary) infertile lane more than 35 years ago?

I'm sure there's something mildly pathological in the answer but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Is it a fear of displaying any less than perfect aspect of myself to those who know me (yes, even to relatives)?  OK, that's certainly possible.

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I'm a very competitive person.  Maybe I don't want the nice pregnant lady down the street to know she's beaten me at the happy family game (even if it's only temporarily).

Fear of being pitied?  Maybe.  I doubt that applies to mom though.

Fear of being judged?  OK, maybe that too, although I'm sure my family would be nothing but supportive (at least on the surface).

Oops, why did that parenthetical just jump in there? 

OK, so I don't think my parents would approve of how much money we're spending (throwing away?).  They wouldn't say so outright, but deep down I don't think they would approve.

Although that still doesn't explain my reluctance to discuss the issue with them pre-IVF.

So, in spite of all my navel-gazing, it's pretty clear that I still have no answer.

I guess I'll go hide my syringes.


  1. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to update family anymore because they are so weird about I understand. GL with your cycle! And hiding your syringes. LOL.

  2. Yeah, it picked and chose who I told. It's hard. And you are totally right - IVF is a full-time job, or at least the 27-hour/week part-timer. It"s a lot of work, and occupies your mind. I hope you get it all coordinated, and the weekend goes well!

  3. For me, I think that competitive reason really hits the mark. That's mostly why I get jealous of friends who get pregnant before me--I wanted to beat them. But I'm sure the other reasons also play a role.

    I hope you can find a way to get your work done and still stay sane. It's a tall order!

  4. I know what you mean. I'm really thankful that I work in the hospital where my clinic is or there's no way I'd be able to swing all these spur of the moment appointments. I almost went to a different clinic just because I didn't want to run into somebody I work with while getting an ultrasound but I hated the other clinic. Now that I've seen what a huge committment these appointments are, I'm so glad I decided to go with the clinic on campus.

    I've hardly told anybody. I don't want the pity. I've got a couple of friends who know, and my sister. That's about it.

    Good luck to you!