Sabotage

You know those inspirational stories about formerly barren women who miraculously conceive after changing their eating habits? 

Like the woman who drank broccoli juice for breakfast every morning and got pregnant with an FSH of 50?  Or the one who became a vegetarian after 10 years of infertility and spontaneously conceived at age 44?  Or how about the woman who cured her endometriosis by cutting out wheat and dairy?

I am not going to be one of those stories.

Why, you might ask?

Because my diet sucks.

I mean, I probably don't have the worst diet ever consumed by anyone.  I generally avoid fried food.  I don't drink regular soda, and I eat very little red meat.

Now for the bad news.

My dinner tonight was a half bag of baked Tostitos and a tub of guacamole from Whole Foods.  Oh, and a decaf  Diet Coke with a rice milk ice cream bar for dessert. 

And last night?

Some rotisserie chicken and 5 walnut brownies.  And a decaf Diet Coke.

Pardon my French, but WHAT THE EFF AM I DOING?!??????

I suppose it doesn't help matters that I don't cook.  Other than Duncan Heinz brownie mix, that is.

In fact, it's probably a very good thing that I wasn't born in a prior generation or I'm sure I would have died old and alone.  I mean, who would've wanted to marry a woman who doesn't cook, doesn't clean (well, rarely) and can't have babies?   

Luckily for me I have a husband who somehow seems to love me anyway.

Besides, he doesn't cook or clean either, so I guess he can't be too judgmental, right?  And together we really do a lot to keep the house-cleaning and frozen dinner industries in business.

But I digress. 

WHAT THE EFF AM I DOING?!??????

Yes, I really did read the book by the broccoli juice woman and I even found it...dare I say mildly inspirational?

In all honesty, I'm quite sure that diet can and does have an important influence on egg quality.

In fact, I'm so sure of this, I actually spent a four-month period back in early 2008 cutting all wheat, dairy and simple carbohydrates from my diet.  I even gave up Diet Coke (which may not sound like a big deal, but trust me--it is).

Of course, I still didn't get pregnant but it's clear now that that particular failure had nothing to do with my diet. 

So why is it that now, when the stakes are higher than ever ($12,000 higher, to be exact) I can't bring myself to eat in an even moderately healthful way?

I keep telling myself that I will.  I have a refrigerator full of expensive salads, fruit and fresh veggies and yet, somehow the junkiest, unhealthiest crap in the entire house seems to keep finding its way onto my plate. 

Once again, I'm sure there must be something mildly pathological about all this (the more blog posts I write, the more I'm starting to think I belong on a psychiatrist's couch somewhere rather than in an RE's waiting room).

Why am I sabotaging my chances for success?

Maybe it's because my expectations of success are so ridiculously low?  Why make myself miserable eating celery when I'm so sure we'll fail anyway?

Or maybe it's some sort of deep-seated psychological defense mechanism designed to help me avoid a total meltdown if and when this cycle ends badly?  "I'm not completely inadequate as a woman--I only failed because I didn't give it my all!"

Then again, maybe I just have no willpower.

Le sigh. 

So, to make a long story short, I've decided that my story will be a different kind of miracle.

In fact, I've already come up with a title for my book.

"You Too Can Conceive Twins on the Brownie & Guacamole Diet!"

Think I'll make the bestseller list?