Friday, April 30, 2010

The nasty little what IFs that keep me awake at night

Have you ever found yourself wondering if things in life happen for a reason?

Like the story about the man who misses his flight because he has a flat tire, only to find out later that the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard. 

Was he spared for a reason?  Is there some greater purpose in life he has yet to fulfill? 

It's a subject I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Not about plane crashes, of course, but reasons.


They're thoughts that almost hurt too much to speak out loud, as though somehow just saying the words could make them true.

What if I am infertile because I was not meant to be a mother?

What if this is life's way of telling me I am meant for some other purpose? 

There--I said it.

I am not a particularly religious person (although I was raised as one).

I could list a million different rebuttals to these questions.

There are a million perfectly logical reasons why this line of thinking makes no sense.

Why then, is it so difficult to silence that little voice that comes and whispers in my ear when I least expect it?


  1. I did my What IF for Project IF on that topic actually. It's that niggling voice in the back of my head that WON'T SHUT UP!! I understand....

    How is your cycle going?

  2. hey Julize - I've been totally negligent on the blogging and commenting front so I'm just catching up on your previous post about your EPP protocol (I think that's what you were doing?) getting messed up. Same exact thing happened with me. They told me to use OPKs to monitor for ovulation. When I hadn't gotten anything by day 14 they had me come in for b/w. Turned out I must have ovulated on day 7. Sure enough, the cycle turned out to be only 17 days long!

    So, I actually never got to do the estrogen patches. We just started with Gonal-f and dilute hcg on day 2 and went on from there. Added Ganirelix on day 8. For me, this one ended up converting to an IUI. I had only 2 follicles and not enough to warrant retrieval. But I doubt that can really be chalked up to the protocol - since I always respond poorly.

    Anyhow, don't know if that helps or not. Good luck with this cycle!!

    (I also have insurance coverage only for meds, which I find bizarre. If you aren't going to cover IUI/IVF, why cover the meds for it? But, I'm not questioning.......)

  3. Yeup, you said it out loud, and yeup, I have thought that very thought!! It's hard to know what to believe - faithful or not, this process flips you upside-down and inside-out. Is this a sign that maybe your greater purpose is being a GREAT mom, come hell or high water?

    I am on the fence about all of the "signs, signs, everywhere are signs...." remember that '80s song? gulp!

    Anyways, I think we can make a sign out of anything, so make up a new sign that makes you smile and gives you hope :)

    How's that for positive thinkin?

    Oh and I have some more questions about intralipids - can I email you?

  4. Kakunaa--I just saw your post the other day and it was beautiful. You read my thoughts exactly and said it much better than I ever could. The cycle is going OK so far--keeping my fingers crossed for a decent outcome!

    BBB--Yes! Please feel free to send me an e-mail but my account's been a little wonky lately, so if I don't respond right away you might want to give me a heads up here (I think we picked up a nasty computer virus and I just haven't had time to try and fix it).

    And thanks for your kind words. You're right, I need to work on being more positive!