Decisions, decisions

So we talked to the financial counselor at our clinic this week and got some more information on costs and different IVF packages.

When we first started discussing IVF, I was convinced we should do CGH.  CGH is expensive--it adds about $5,000 to the overall cost (even more if you include the price of ICSI)--but I love the idea because it basically eliminates the whole issue of egg quality if we end up with a BFN.

I'm honestly, so tired of doctors trying to use egg quality as the be-all, end-all excuse for why I can't get pregnant.  It may very well be that my egg quality sucks but that doesn't mean I can't have an immune issue too, or a Beta-3 Integrin issue, or whatever.  If there's one thing I've learned in this process, it's that I should never assume we've identified all my fertility problems.  There always seems to be another one out there lurking in the shadows, ready to jump out and say,

"Ha! You thought you had this whole thing figured out didn't you?! Suckaa!!"

If we were to actually get a CGH-normal embryo and not be successful, then I'd know I still have a problem with implantation and could focus my efforts in that direction. If we get no CGH-normal embryos, then I would know egg quality is an issue and that maybe it's time to think about donor eggs.

The problem, of course, is that paying for CGH would mean only having enough cash for one cycle--and I'm just not comfortable with tapping other sources of funding yet. Not to mention, really--what are the chances I'd be lucky enough to find a normal egg in only one try? At age 40? With an FSH that's possibly as high as 17?

For only $2,000 more than the cost of one CGH cycle, we could cycle twice without it. 

So now I'm thinking maybe we should just get the two cycle package and take our chances.  Twice makes for better odds than once, right?  To have only one chance--to have to succeed in only one cycle--would be so much pressure. 

Of course, the other reason why CGH is attractive is that it dramatically reduces the risk of miscarriage.  And we all know the odds of miscarriage at age 40. With an FSH that's possibly as high as 17? 

Then there's the other part of me that says, for God's sake, why are you putting yourself though this?  You could just do donor eggs now and triple your chances of success.  What's so special about your genetic material?? Why are you even bothering to fiddle around with 15% odds?  15%?!  What a joke!! 

Except donor eggs are really expensive.  And would I always wonder if I could have succeeded with my own?

Bleh, I hate making decisions like this.
 

Starting

Since the day I first registered this blog more than a week ago, I've been agonizing over how to start.

What should my first post be about?

Do I just jump in and start talking?

Do I introduce myself?

I've even looked at other people's blogs and gone back to their first posts (how lame is that?). 

It's odd to me that I'm spending so much time agonizing over something very few people are likely to see.  Other than DH, I haven't told anyone I'm starting a blog, and I probably won't.  My family definitely doesn't know and only a very few friends have any idea that we've even been trying to conceive.

So why do it?

I'm not entirely sure myself.

I guess after spending so much time obsessively searching and reading other blogs, desperately trying to find someone who's had the same mix of symptoms, or diagnosis, or at least a similar experience, there's a part of me that just really feels the need to tell my own story.

Maybe someone else will find it helpful?

Somehow writing about it makes me feel ever so slightly better.  Or at least I think it might--I guess that remains to be seen.

There.  I've started.